Learning to Listen: A Personal Journey Through Love, Language, and the LGBTQ+ Experience

When my child first shared that they were gender fluid, I’ll be honest—I didn’t know what that meant. But as they explained it to me, something in my heart just… settled. It wasn’t some brand new revelation. It was more like finally finding the words for something I had witnessed all along. That fluidity, that way of being, had always been a part of them. We just hadn’t had the language for it—until that moment. And having those words, together, brought us both a deeper sense of clarity and connection.

LGBTQ+ Terms: A Language of Belonging

Words carry weight. I learned that firsthand as I searched for the language to honor my child’s identity and navigate my own learning curve. In those moments, I realized how powerful—and necessary—the right words can be. They don’t just describe; they affirm, they clarify, and they create connection. I’m sharing these LGBTQ+ terms not as an expert, but as someone who knows what it’s like to want to understand better. This isn’t about getting everything right—it’s about making space for others to feel seen.

LGBTQ+

A gentle umbrella that holds many identities—Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning—with the “+” offering space for those whose experiences of self and love don’t fit neatly into the more familiar labels. It reminds us that identity is personal, evolving, and expansive—and that everyone deserves to be seen.

Gender Identity

Gender identity is a person’s deeply held sense of who they are—man, woman, both, neither, or something else entirely. It’s how someone knows and experiences their own gender internally, regardless of the sex they were assigned at birth. It may align with that assignment, or it may not. What matters is that it's felt, not chosen or taught—and it belongs to the person living it.

Cisgender

Someone who is cisgender has a gender identity that matches the sex they were assigned at birth. For example, a person assigned female at birth who identifies as a woman, or someone assigned male at birth who identifies as a man. For cisgender people, there’s no conflict between how they feel internally and how the world has labeled them externally. It's a common experience—but just one of many ways people come to know themselves.

Transgender

Someone who is transgender has a gender identity that is different from the sex they were assigned at birth. For example, a person assigned female at birth may identify as male, and vice versa. Being transgender isn’t about confusion—it’s about recognizing and honoring one’s true self, even if it differs from what others expected.

Non-Binary / Gender Fluid

Non-binary is an umbrella term for gender identities that don’t fit neatly into the categories of male or female. Gender fluid is a specific identity under that umbrella—describing someone whose gender may shift over time or in different settings. A gender fluid person might feel more masculine on some days, more feminine on others, or somewhere in between. This is where my child lives, and learning this language helped us both understand and affirm their identity more clearly.

Gender Expression

Gender expression is how someone outwardly shows their gender identity to the world. This can include the clothes they wear, how they style their hair, the way they speak, move, or even the pronouns they use. While it’s often shaped by culture and personal experience, gender expression doesn’t have to align with someone’s sex assigned at birth or their gender identity. It’s a personal, creative way people communicate who they are—and no two expressions are exactly alike.

Sexual Orientation

Sexual orientation refers to who someone is emotionally, romantically, or physically attracted to. It includes identities like gay, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, pansexual, and more. It exists on a spectrum, and it’s different from gender identity. While gender is about who you are, sexual orientation is about who you’re drawn to—and both are important parts of understanding someone’s whole self.

Even with helpful definitions, understanding identity is more than just learning terms—it’s about real-life encounters, questions, and the stories that bring those terms to life. That’s where things got more personal, and where I began to realize that the real work wasn’t just in learning terminology—it was in learning how to hold space for the curve of someone else’s journey, and my own.

Beyond the Letters: Holding Space for the Learning Curve

I used to think I understood the acronym. LGBT. Then Q came in, and I adjusted. Then the +—and that’s when things got more layered. My daughter helped fill in some of the gaps, but even now, I know there are identities included in the “plus” that I still don’t fully understand. And that’s okay. Because what I’ve learned I don’t need to know every letter by heart to show respect to the person standing in front of me.

This is me with my oldest—long before they came out, before either of us had the language, but not before I sensed there was something different about who they were.

What’s helped me most has been the people—the clients, the friends, and especially my own children—who took the time to teach me what they could. Not in a classroom way, but through conversation, through patience, through modeling. I may not always remember the terminology, but I remember how I felt in those exchanges: humbled, grateful, and reminded that identity is both deeply personal and always evolving.

But I’d be lying if I said this learning journey didn’t come with its own emotional weight. When my firstborn came out as gender fluid, they had already done the internal work. They were clear, confident and ready to live their truth. And I—who had spent decades calling them “he,” who had lived my whole life in a binary understanding of gender—was expected to adjust instantly. I wanted to. I tried to. But I slipped. And when I did, I was met with frustration. I get it. Being misgendered hurts. And still—I wish there had been more space for the part of me that was trying, that was becoming.

Because the truth is, creating an inclusive world requires grace in both directions. It means heterosexual, cisgender people doing the work to unlearn assumptions and embrace difference. And it also means LGBTQ+ people remembering that not everyone comes to understanding at the same pace. Especially when the world we were raised in taught us different rules.

We can honor each other’s truths without insisting they look identical.

We can say, “I don’t see it the way you do, but I see you—and I respect you.”

We can create space for difference, and call that inclusivity.

The Importance of Language and Pronouns

When my child told me that they/them pronouns felt more accurate, it wasn’t just semantics—it was a request to be seen fully. And though my heart accepted it immediately, my habits took time to catch up. I had spent their whole life using “he.” Changing that wasn’t automatic and I slipped often. But my daughter, who adjusted more quickly, would gently correct me. She didn’t shame me—she knew my love was genuine and her steadiness helped me grow in mine.

Some people struggle with “they” as a singular pronoun because it doesn’t feel grammatically intuitive—especially for those of us raised to believe “they” only referred to groups. But when I think of my child—who lives in the fullness of both masculine and feminine energy—the plural seems accurate. And even if it didn’t, respecting their identity wouldn’t require my full comprehension, just my compassion. Using someone’s correct pronouns isn’t about agreeing with them on every level. It’s about kindness and letting them feel safe in their skin.

Steps to Improve Connection and Support

Creating a more inclusive and compassionate world doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in small, intentional acts—moments of listening, moments of learning, and moments of courage. These steps aren't about being perfect; they’re about showing up with a willingness to grow and connect.

Educate Yourself

Learning is a lifelong unfolding. Let your curiosity guide you toward books, stories, and conversations that broaden your perspective. Take the initiative gently, knowing that learning doesn't have to be perfect to be meaningful.

Respect the Ask

When someone shares their pronouns with you, it’s a moment of trust. Using them is less about agreement and more about honoring their truth. It’s a small act that can offer deep affirmation.

Stay Humble

Mistakes will happen. What matters most is your willingness to listen, reflect, and try again—with gentleness toward yourself and others.

Be Brave

It takes courage to challenge exclusion—especially in rooms that value comfort over change. But your voice matters. Even quiet bravery can shift the atmosphere.

Make Space

Look around you. Notice who feels welcomed, and who might be quietly shrinking. Ask how your environment could open its arms just a little wider—and take steps to make that real.

Why It All Matters

At the heart of all of this is a simple human truth: we all want to be seen, respected, and loved as we are. Understanding gender, identity, and orientation isn't just an intellectual exercise—it’s an act of care. It helps us hold space for one another with more gentleness, more clarity, and more compassion.

When we affirm each other’s truths, we build bridges across difference. We soften judgment. We strengthen community. And we create the kind of world where everyone has the chance to feel safe, whole, and deeply connected.That’s why it matters. Not just during Pride Month—but always.

Written by Carlita L. Coley, LPC

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About the Author

I'm a writer, mother, and ever-evolving student of humanity. My journey has taught me that understanding doesn’t happen all at once. But when we show up with honesty and a genuine desire to connect, we create space for real growth. This piece reflects a journey that began close to home and continues to unfold with every conversation, every lesson, and every act of grace.